F!r$t P0$t!1one (or, This is Why I Don't Speak Leet)

So I’m sitting here and I’m like, “mannn… I don’t feel like writing anymore, even with all of these ideas to get down.” It sorta feels pointless, y’know?  Because something like 10% of writers can actually live on their income from writing; the other 90% (possibly more that are too ashamed to admit it or work under-the-table murder cases in the dead of night) work side jobs to keep themselves afloat.  The original reason I wanted to start writing was to avoid getting a real job; that was when I was 8.  I was a pessimistic child.  Okay, that sounds bad; the original-original reason was because I had 97566473427 ideas in my head and I thought they were really cool.  I thought they could be a TV series like Pokémon, probably because 76.8592% of my ideas at that time were direct rip-offs of the Pokémon TV series.

Later, I found God (though I’m still not quite sure why He was hiding) and I decided I could change the world through writing subtly encoded with subliminal messages to make the readers want to do good. (have you spied the message yet? this one just says “drink milk;” you gotta start slow with this stuff) Now I just don’t know anymore.  I used to have the attention span to write novels, now I just don’t want to.  Maybe college has turned me into a lazy good-for-nothing.  Hmm… okay, so college has definitely turned me into a lazy good-for-nothing, but I think the real problem here is with you, the consumer. 

No offense, but how much of my merchandise have you bought in the past two hours?  That’s what I thought. And you might say, “but Alex, you don’t have anything on sale yet.” And you’d be right about that, but what about in the future?  Why haven’t you instructed your future offspring to build a time machine to bring back to your future self, which you would then use to bring your present self into the future and buy my merchandise, which you would then bring back to the past to show all of your friends who would think it was totally cool (and shiny, everything currently on sale in the future will be shiny) and start a wave of future-traveling post-buying pre-revenue-boosting shopping sprees?

Then again, I guess it’s not all your fault.  The 29^th amendment of 2014 pretty much shut down travel, anyway.  Oh.  I guess you’re not supposed to know about that, either.  Oh, well; just the fact that the future government allows me to print that online probably means that the course of history that allowed the 29^th amendment to be passed has been somehow changed.  Good job, John S. from Oklahoma, and don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.

I’m sorry to have to have been so blunt, there, but it’s really for your own god.  And good.  Yes, I’m sure it made your household god very happy.  Anyway, to make up for it, here’s a heretical picture of what my first real post will be about.  It’s a sidewalk that some genius decided to put right through the middle of a local river!